Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Really, what's triathlon for?

You may think this title is a bit fatalistic.  I agree that it certainly comes across as being that way.  Let me provide some context:

As Christine and I were circling the track this morning doing intervals at 6:10 pace (humblebrag on her behalf alert) I found myself watching the (I assume anyway) Pima CC football team doing some sort of drills or dynamic warmup series of movements.  Most of them did this somewhat halfheartedly and honestly, who could blame them? It was cold out (45) and the sun was barely rising over the rooftops of the buildings to our east. As they grunted and grumbled their way through warm up, we merrily lapped the track for the roughly 4 times 2k+ intervals.

I thought to myself: in the zombie apocalypse, who is better than triathletes at survival?

Certainly not football players who are, for the most part, overweight.  They are nimble and quick but in a long, drawn out chase with a group of hungry non-dead they will inevitably succumb.

Crossfitters could potentially throw big tires at the zombies, but they can really only do that type of AMRAP for about 5 minutes.  If there's a pull up bar nearby they can definitely gyrate themselves up and out of the way with ease but unfortunately a pull up involves going up 1.5-2 feet and then - sadly - coming back down again.

American Ninja Warrior contestants might actually do ok for a while if they are in a city, as their parkour-like abilities would enable them to escape the undead horde for a while as long as they were near buildings and had things conveniently placed on which to jump and twist and hang onto as they ran from the masses.

Mud runners and Spartan "racers" would do well, only if there was mud. Sadly, however, the likelihood of a mud-filled escape route with entrenched obstacles over which they could climb quickly and exert their skills of playing in the mud would leave them breathless quickly and eventually their lack of aerobic fitness would "catch up" to them. (get it?)

I could go on and on about the pros and cons of various athletic pursuits and their viability during the age of zombies, but let's just assume I've already done that.  Well, let me add a couple more options actually, now that I think about it:

Cyclists: they care too much about how they look and will inevitably get eaten before they line up their bib shorts with their tan lines and get away from the flesh eating were-humans.

Swimmers: they can't float forever, can they?

Runners: inevitably will get injured in some way and after realizing you can't continue with a pelvic stress fracture they will get ate.

But you know what pursuit combines ALL of the strengths and NONE of the weaknesses of zombie evasion??


Going in a straight line for a really long time at slow to fast paces along varying terrain challenges using various methods of transportation is kind of what triathletes do best.  The triathletes able to survive the longest will also have these qualities:

1) Gun ownership
2) Off road capabilities

So yea, I'm gonna outlive all y'all.

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