E-mail to Jeremy on the 2008 Yankees

E-mail to Jeremy about the New York Yankees that - rather succinctly - expresses my feelings on the team.


I'm also extremely shocked A-Rod decided to opt out. I totally, completely thought he was going to work out an extension of some sort with NY. I hope to GOD that most of this decision was due to Boras' influence and that A-Rod isn't actually such a greedy, honor-less bastard. In some ways, I'm not disappointed he is leaving but the thought of having to replace his production is really depressing. Watching him this year at times (Baltimore, Cleveland, Boston BAM) will probably go down as some of my favorite Yankee memories of all time. I know for sure that right now they are certainly at the top of my list. Seriously, I giggled/whoknowswhatelsemaybecreamedmypants when A-Rod hit that fucker off Joe Borowski to win the game at Yankee Stadium. Highlight of 2007 (with the others being graduation from college and Sean telling me he was gay, hilarious). On the flipside, I am looking forward to the possibility of A-Rod stepping up to the plate with 2 outs, 2 men on, and down by 2, batting in the middle of the Angels lineup and having Joba/Mo strike him out with a chest high fastball at 96+ mph. GOD THAT WOULD BE SO AMAZING.

On another note, I'm not super worried about the Yankees lineup minus A-Rod. I think his departure and Girardi's return to the NY bench could galvanize a return to more small-ball ways of winning games, which is something that has definitely departed our managerial mindset over the past couple of years (although with Abreu and Damon that changed a little bit...but not much). When healthy, Matsui was one of the best hitters in baseball for the month of July when he went absolutely crazy. Even at the end of the year after quite a precipitous and well-documented slide his stats were not bad. Not great but definitely not bad at all. Damon is the wild-card of the bunch I think; if he can produce at 2006 type levels then I'm definitely not worried. I'm hoping that he was just hampered by injuries like Matsui and that a return to full health will mean a return to form (for both of them). I definitely like Damon in LF though and Matsui DH'ing. First base can be taught and that's where Giambi needs to go; I don't give a fuck how many ground balls and errant throws you have to give to him in practice but he needs to learn how to play first base. I'm willing to lose a couple of runs defensively each year (a couple is an understatement but whatever) playing him over Duncan/Phillips because his bat is SO much better. Maybe Girardi will realize this as he brings a more "new school" approach than Torre ever came close to. I'm afraid (legit afraid) that Posada will have to be re-signed, simply because we have no backup and there's no one on the market that I'd be willing to trade prospects to get over to NY. I'm also afraid he won't take a home team discount seeing as how Torre's departure was handled (which was WAY
overblown by the media...). His production just can't possibly be anywhere near where it was this year, but we'll be paying for that sort of production for the next 2-3 years...not a fan.

I'm also definitely NOT willing to part with any of our top-tier prospects to snag Santana from the Twins. This idea has been bandied about fairly seriously among various Yankee followers and I'm really super duper opposed to it. I don't care how good Santana is/can be. Honestly. The spark and energy that Joba/Hughes/Kennedy/Melky etc bring to the clubhouse can really not be put into words. I get SO fired up watching Joba and Hughes pitch, so much so that I can't imagine the way I'd feel about Santana. Sure he's an absolutely amazing pitcher but I would honestly rather have those two on my team. Thinking about trading any of those guys, but especially Joba and Hughes makes me want to vomit in my mouth. A lot of vomit. That would spill out onto my body. Gross.

I'm still not sure it'd be a great idea to trade Moose yet. Not sure what he can provide, but I feel like until he truly has worn out his welcome in NY...it'd just be a bad idea. I wouldn't be super opposed to the trade but it would have to be someone pretty effin sweet to go through with it. If I were Cashman, of course. I don't know how you did this, because he is so good and such a hard worker, but you forgot about Pavano. How good can he be? OH WAIT he'll never pitch for the Yankees ever again because he's a huge fucking pussy that can't do shit on the mound but still makes an ass-fuck-ton of money. God he pisses me off.

Anyway. Go Yankees

Homecoming

So the Red Menace and I boldly invaded Williamsburg last Wednesday evening for one reason only: to have as much fun as humanly possible for 5 days. Following said debacle I can satisfyingly say that the trip was a resounding success.

I imbibed so much over the course of Homecoming that I feel like I should be hungover for at least a week. Fortunately for me, my body loves me and decided to fore go that unpleasantly and just skip to the euphoria and elation one may experience after a singularly succesful weekend. Staying in the ol' apartment and no longer being a resident was somewhat weird, but the massive dude-fest that was the first floor living room certainly satisfied any pre-existing sexual urges I may or may not have been experiencing in the weeks leading up to HC. I'm not sure of the exact count, but I feel safe in saying that at least 7-10 guys were packed into what may be a 15' by 15' room. It was tight.

Building houses will - at least for a bit - be a big letdown after doing absolutely nothing but get-hammered-for-5-days-straight this past HC. How many can a person legitimately go to and not feel depressed about their life? I plan on testing those boundaries...

Yar

Is it sad in any way whatsoever that I can commit 1+ hour each day to playing video games?

PS - On a side note, I have absolutely NO idea how Paul Byrd made it through 5 innings. He is SO bad that he had to resort to that dual windup crap to throw off the timing of the Boston hitters. Although I suppose once you reach his level of crapiness the only other thing to do to get better is to cheat, a la Kenny Rogers in 2006.

Dustin Pedroia is also making it look very obvious that he's a rookie. David Ortiz has changed his stance, leading me to believe his knee is absolutely killing him (although he did absolutely destroy that HR ball last night - but it was against Paul Byrd. Big whoop). Colorado v Cleveland in the World series would have approximately 18 viewers.

Transformers Cubed

Monday night brought with it the chance to see Transformers for a third time, a possibility that intrigued me nearly as much as Sean's sexuality. Seriously though, who wouldn't want to go see a movie as badass as Transformers for a third time?? "Not me," says I.

So on that note, we rolled out to the 50 cent movie theater last night with high hopes and loose wallets, excited for the possibility of seeing robots in our midst. Regrettably, they wouldn't be real robots, a fact that continues to sadden me to this day. Does that ever make you mad? Not having totally sweet robots? This is 2007; there should be totally advanced robots existing and transforming into totally awesome Chevy Camaro's or giant semi-trailer trucks. I'm seriously tempted to name any kid I have Optimus Prime.

As torturous as that kid's adult life would likely be, imagine the possibilities among the elementary and pre-teen age groups. All of them have likely seen and experienced what Transformers has to offer and probably agree that the character 'Optimus Prime' is one of the most badass motherfuckers around, and is also one of the best looking best singing motherfuckers in the world. If he sang, duh. Teachers calling roll call would likely be the most fun, as they read the kid's name with complete disbelief and tentatively ask if Optimus Prime was present. My kid would then jump out of his seat and stand on his desk, shouting at the top of his lungs: "AUTOBOTS! ENGAGE!" God, I seriously just got goosebumps thinking about how awesome that would be. Imagine the final scene from "Dead Poets Society" but with a happy atmosphere and kids half that age. Also imagine that instead of saying "Oh Captain, my Captain" like a bunch of pansies...one awesome kid stands up and the rest rally around him! OMG!

I'm 22. Sad.

"That's what she said"

Today I finally got to work with a group of fairly attractive young (ish) volunteers who - if I had to guess - were all in their mid to late 20s. At least I hope so. Not that it really matters, of course. I wasn't running game.

But...I did have to let slide a ridiculously good 'that's what she said' moment in light of my new situation. If I had been around anyone other than volunteers I would have let loose with that ill verbage like it was my job, because the moment was oh so key.

One of the girls was staining porch railings next to me and at one point a large daddy longlegs crawled out onto the railings and she screamed. This was no ordinary scream; it sounded exactly like a yelping dog. I don't know where she came from with that scream, but it was super obnoxious. I was afraid she had died for a second. But no, it was just a spider that is actually incapable of hurting anyone. What a sloot. She probably loves to party.

But after this exclamation one of her friends came out to see what the problem was (it seriously sounded like a dog had just died when she screamed) and saw the spider. She sort of yelled and said: "Oh my GOD! I have never seen one SO big!! That's HUUGE!" I had such a hard time keeping my mouth shut. I was LOL'ing so hard on the inside. Although I guess in that case it wouldn't be lol'ing, it'd be something like "loloti," if that works. Probably doesn't but who cares.

So yea, I held back. I'm maturing.

Me + 34 years

So today I met the 56 yr old black version of myself. It was pretty scary to be perfectly honest. We were doing siding together and I was saying how you needed to make sure the pieces fit in tight together and he caught me off guard with "Haha mannn I liiike it tight." I was completely thrown off my builder game and realized that it was exactly what I would have said if I had been in certain types of company. I gave a nervous laugh and just kept plugging along, pretending that it didn't happen. What could I have possibly said that didn't worsen the situation?

Option A:
"Oh yea man me too. I feel ya on that one."

This had potential, but the simple fact that I would have been uttering it to a 56 year old man made me feel just plain dirty. I mean, I'm not a champion of virtue, dignity, and non-perversion or anything of the sort (duh) but the situation was just wrong. If I had been the filter between his brain and mouth I would likely have voted to not say that I liked it tight.

Option B:
"Dude no way! I like that reaaal loose."

Ok. News Flash. I actually don't have a giant penis. No 9" of glory for me. I don't need a hugely loose ham wallet. Loose vajayjay is really something that is usually reserved for porn starts and post-childbirth mothers (and total sluts, of course). It also would have been wrong on a different level. Siding actually does need to be super tight and locked in place. So I would have, in effect, been encouraging an incorrect method of building by suggesting that I liked it real loose, regardless of the implications. No can do partner. Shit needs to be on lock down for siding. No loose joints.

Option C:

"Sir, I object to your implications. Spare me the immaturity."

While this may very well be the safest option in terms of not getting yourself into trouble, it goes completely against any dogmas I may have established in past instances. Obviously the most Habitat friendly response, it likely would have been laughed at and ridiculed, which is something that my fragile psyche just can't handle at the moment. Yea that's horseshit.

Fantastic 4 2

Honestly, I really didn't have high hopes for the second installment of the Fantastic 4 movie series but jeez. It was bad. That's coming from me too. I was only barely entertained for the 80 minute bad-acting extravaganza. Barely. Jessica Alba is just going to start having to take her clothes off to get movie roles because she can't act for crap. I'm ok with this. Jessica Alba has a flaming hot body. Too bad Jeter gave her herpes because that kind of ruins the whole I want to have sex with her thing. As much as I love Jeter, I don't want his herpes.